While not bequeathed the academic esteem of Viennese coffeehouses, the humble Pub is the bedrock of a culture’s intellectual discourse.
It is between the musty, wooden walls and on the chipped, Guinness-stained table tops of the local that Middle Eastern strife and impractical socialist manifestos intermingle with Boxing Day first innings scores and that Taylor Swift song from 2008 that alone validates the much-maligned maxim that an artist’s earlier work was superior.
Indeed, it is where many a prominent intelligentsia member first found both prominence and intelligence, and yet the abiding image of the humble Pub is that of a drunken Andy Capp being chucked out at two in the morning, unable to string together more than a few short, stuttering sentences.
And so in an attempt to uphold this cultural cornerstone of an institution, saint. will combine in equal parts critique and truth. In a few short, stuttering sentences that would bring tears to the erstwhile eyes of Paul the erstwhile Octopus, we shall predict that which high snobbery would use reams of unrecyclable paper for.
Forget the tactics. Forget the stats. Forget the philosophies. It’s all about the bants. Make way for the drunken prophet of football, selling his perspicacious stock and trade in…
PUB PREDICTIONS
The Final Table of the Premier League 20/21 Season Edition
20. Aston Villa
Listen, Villa are a grand old club and keeping ahold of Jack the Lad is fine and dandy, but forgetting to sign anyone bar Messrs. Ben Chrisene and Matty Cash (who? Exactly) to shore up an already laughable defence is downright idiotic (Mr. Emi Martinez and that lad from Brentford don’t count). Even the Peaky Blinders don’t support this lot (look it up). They’ll go down fighting, but down they go.
19. Fulham
They’ve got the type of manager the Premier League desperately needs (a pretty boy), but if the playoffs proved anything, it’s that Fulham are too one-dimensional to survive. Attempts at pretty football are admirable but their opening day loss to Arsenal highlights that they’re light up top. Fulham have got the prettiest stadium as far as the eye can see (the eye sees until the Emirates and turns away in disgust) but they’ll be sideways-passing their way back down to a London derby with Brentford.
18. West Ham United
With their only ‘signing’ being the decidedly vertically unchallenged Mr. Tomáš Souček, and Mr. Grady Diangana moving on for reasons unknown, expect more Newcastle-type losses. Feel free to catch your Cockney drama at the Olympic Stadium now that everyone officially doesn’t love Love Island. Even the astuteness of Mr. David Moyes (seriously), the majesty of Mr. Mark Noble (seriously), the fan star power of Messrs. James Corden and Russell Brand (moderately seriously) and a bunch of reel and real Cockney gangsters won’t stave off relegation. In typical West Ham fashion, though, expect a few more seats catapulted onto the pitch when they capitulate to Leyton Orient the week after a stellar away win at Anfield (fans might not be allowed inside, but try denying entry to Mr. Danny Dyer circa anything he’s ever been in besides that startlingly good Mr. Harold Pinter production).
17. West Bromwich Albion
West Ham would give an arm and a Mr. David Sullivan to bring back Mr. Slaven Bilić. The imposing Croat has West Brom playing the sort of slick football (goals > passes) that would make Mr. Tony Pulis eat his cap. The addition of Mr. Matheus Pereira from Sporting adds to an already top heavy attack, while no side managed by a Croat would dare let the ball into their half (let’s forget Leicester shall we?). Safe.
16. Crystal Palace
In Mr. Eberechi Eze, Palace have found the perfect embodiment of the lad who didn’t study for his A-Levels but got straight As anyways. And, they have a meme worthy manager who’s been in the game long enough to have managed Blackburn when they were relevant. Enough? Enough.
15. Burnley
September: Burnley lose again, should’ve kept Hart. Dyche is a fraud.
April: Burnley are 15th and safe. Dyche is a better ginger than all the Weasleys. Rinse and repeat for 21/22, please and thank you.
14. Southampton
An exciting prospect in Mr. Kyle Walker-Peters, a German manager who’s made them bloody tough to beat since that day against Leicester (here in all its glory), and their penchant for breaking down dogged opposition (and Manchester United) make them a Premier League mainstay. They’re hella more boring to watch now that Mr. Matt Le Tissier can’t joyously lose his proverbial excrement over them, though.
13. Brighton and Hove Albion
Forget signing Ajax star Mr. Joel Veltman and Liverpool *insert antonym for star here* Mr. Adam Lallana, Brighton’s real summer triumph is keeping hold of excellent (excellent) defender Mr. Ben White, who had a breakthrough season under Mr. Marcelo Bielsa at Leeds. Sure to be snapped up by a bigger rival (or Arsenal) come August, Brighton will at the very least benefit in the near future by having a sturdier than usual defence (what’s a Chelsea?). Also, no one complains about a trip to Brighton.
12. Newcastle United
Yeah, erm, maybe Vanuatu will find oil in the near future? All thoughts of Mbappe and the Poch have disappeared for now, though, because make way for the striker your dad said was better than Cantona in Mr. Callum Wilson and model turned part-time footballer Mr. Andy Carroll (see above). No idea about Stoke on a cold Tuesday night, but Newcastle can certainly do it on a pleasant, gently windy weekend evening at the Olympic Stadium. Long term, though (since Mr. Andy Carroll will most definitely pull a hamstring by mid-October) what’s more exciting than the inimitable Mr. Stephen Roger Bruce strolling around the touchline as Messrs. Jeff Hendricks and Jonjo Shelvey throw in heroic tackles against...err...Villa?
11. Sheffield United
The pessimist would say Mr. Chris Wilder’s men will suffer a similar fate to Reading the year after the latter finished an extraordinary seventh. But, in the fervent hope that the game hasn’t totally been consumed for breakfast at The Ned by your nan’s shady lawyer in an ill-fitting Marks & Spencer suit, Sheffield will finish a dour 11th. In Messrs. Aaron Ramsdale and Wes Foderingham, Wilder has rather unimaginatively but effectively replaced the absence carved out by Mr. Dean Henderson. Everyone, though, complains about a trip to Sheffield (although orangesaint. doubts Mr. Paul Pogba has ever had a chip butty).
10. Leicester City
HOT TAKE ALERT: Mr. Timothy Castagne, from hedonistic Atalanta, will more than replace the departing Mr. Ben Chilwell. Mr. James Maddison, though, is good but overrated and Mr. Jamie Vardy is hilariously brilliant but a certain WAG war will overshadow Leicester’s fourth place battle with Chelsea. This in turn will spark a dip in form so pitiable as to elicit sympathy from Mr. Daniel Drinkwater. Still, losses build great character, eh Brendan? It’s…tenth.
9. Leeds United
September to January: Annihilate opposition so artistically that opposition wants to be annihilated. Mr. Marcelo Bielsa > *insert manager name*.
January to April: Do a Leeds.
May: Annihilate opposition so artistically that opposition wants to be annihilated. Mr. Marcelo Bielsa > *insert manager name*.
8. Wolverhampton Wanderers
Neste ponto, seria apenas mais fácil trocar os onze titulares pela seleção portuguesa. saint. não tolera o jogo, mas está disposto a apostar que o Sr. Connor Coady é apenas o capitão porque ele é um rapaz local de ... err ... Liverpool.
7. Everton
Ancelotti just went ahead and signed Mr. James Rodríguez, the cheeky, chain smoking sod. Judging by the latter’s opening day performance against Spurs, that goal will be as weekly an occurrence in the blue half of Liverpool as trying to buy a tuxedo from JD Sports. Everton’s highest league finish since the heady days of...err...Mr. David Moyes is upon us.
6. Arsenal
It’s all well and good being an astute Guardiola disciple, but bringing in new players isn’t going to work if you have to sell half your current squad to muster 30 million quid. At least they duped Mr. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang into thinking he’s going to get a statue for scoring against Burton Albion. saint. fully expects a fourth place tilt from the Gunners in 21/22, but, 3-0 romps against hilariously awful Fulhams notwithstanding, a respectable sixth is where Arsenal stay for now. At least Robbie and whoever else hasn’t left AFTV have something to whinge about.
5. Tottenham Hotspur
orangesaint. is not above shameless self-promotion, so here’s a poetic analysis of how Mr. José Mourinho will guide Spurs to a place higher than last season, play some respectable football and narrowly miss out on the level of Europe everyone in Europe cares about.
4. Chelsea
We knew Mr. Roman Abramovich would go big after being denied new toys last season, while Ms. Marina Granovskaia is proving to be the nigh on greatest signing at Stamford Bridge since Mr. Didier Drogba. Mr. Frank Lampard, though, will take time to find his best team and best formation. Chelsea will concede, though. Football's meant to be played without a goalkeeper.
3. Liverpool
Decidedly not the greatest team in the history of the Premier League but bloody hell, what a team. Or, at least, what a starting XI. They look unlikely to sign anyone this term, with a 30 million quid Thiago somehow deemed too expensive for a club that last season boasted the third highest wage bill in the Premier League. Squad depth will suffer. If one of Virgil van Dijk, Alisson or Sadio Mané so much as clutch their hamstrings, the defending champions will struggle. Even with a fully fit starting XI, though, rivals strengthening considerably and challenging on multiple fronts will prove too much for the Reds. Leeds almost did. A respectable third it is.
2. Manchester United
After Messrs. Jadon Sancho, Thiago Alcantara, Lionel Messi, Marcus Aurelius and Jesus of Nazareth sign for United in the newspapers and Messrs. Donny van de Beek and Dayot Upamecano sign for United in reality, the sleeping giants will have strengthened their solid first XI enough to mount a serious title tilt (which will inevitably end by November once Mr. Pep Guardiola ditches his dad hoodies and becomes the suit-wearing Mafioso of 2008-2018 again. See below). Still, they’ll be consistent enough to finish in their highest position since Mr. José Mourinho prowled the dugout, with some spell-binding attacking football complemented by characteristically inept defending, Upamecano’s prowess balancing out a clear lack of such a trait in the Greek tragedy that is Mr. Harry Maguire.
1. Manchester City
Yeah, Guardiola’s pissed, City have money and they’re the only team allowed to play in front of their usual number of fans. Champions.